The other day, I randomly discovered a notebook FULL of mini-movie reviews (the precursor to the semi-review) I had written when I was 11.
They are to say the least...slightly awe-inspiring.
They are THE most hilariously pretentious and misspelled amazingness EVER!
I must explain. Around the age of ten or eleven is when I really started to read books about classic film. And let me tell you, pretty much every stinkin' old movie book in my library was published in 1982 and believes that IT is the ultimate in film knowledge. All the authors like the same movies and just pretend they are writing a new and definitive view on it.
So, from this I learned that in order to write a proper movie review I needed to sound exactly like them.
.......And, I was kinda just an odd child.
But, you know. We'll just blame the books.
Here are a couple of my favorites (all grammar and misspellings are kept intact):
How To Steal A Million
"Not a bad actor in the bunch! So clev-- witty! ["clever" was crossed-out, because obviously "witty" is a much more intelligent sounding adjective] A very excellent example of the bridge between very well-done movies and light hearted romantic comedys! Loved all the Good, Strong charectors!"
An American In Paris
"Good Color! [I think I was talking about the quality of the film or something clever like that.] Disjointed plot! Rather long dances! Good-- Fair acting! ["Good" was crossed-out.] Loved Leslie!"
Strangers On A Train
"Great! Great video (angles, ect.), Loved the good solid acting, good charecters, Excellent story, overall a marvoleous Picture, Pat was great!"
"Good fun movie. Good strong charecters! Loved William, Myrna, and Jean! Spencer was NOT my favorite! But he usally isn't."
"Good, witty lines! Restoration good! <--(color/B/W) Charectors very good & beautiful! Norma Shearer was especially good! I really hated Joan (she wanted me to.)" Laura
"Very well made! Music haunting! Filming tequniches equally amazing! Dana, Gene, and Clifton especially standout. Most of all Dana."
AND MY VERY FAVORITE REVIEW IN THIS WHOLE THING:
Dial M For Murder
"Excellent! Great performances by all! Set, costumes, directing, everything Superb! I guess it is a Hitch though!"
What I learned most from reading my reviews:
Good, strong characters are where a film is made or broken!
And don't you forget that!