Friday, June 11, 2010

Prententious Movie Reviews....From an 11 Year-old. HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT I WAS A DORKY 11 YEAR-OLD!

The other day, I randomly discovered a notebook FULL of mini-movie reviews (the precursor to the semi-review) I had written when I was 11.

They are to say the least...slightly awe-inspiring.

They are THE most hilariously pretentious and misspelled amazingness EVER!

I must explain. Around the age of ten or eleven is when I really started to read books about classic film. And let me tell you, pretty much every stinkin' old movie book in my library was published in 1982 and believes that IT is the ultimate in film knowledge. All the authors like the same movies and just pretend they are writing a new and definitive view on it.

So, from this I learned that in order to write a proper movie review I needed to sound exactly like them.

.......And, I was kinda just an odd child.

But, you know. We'll just blame the books.

Here are a couple of my favorites (all grammar and misspellings are kept intact):

How To Steal A Million

[Five Stars!]

"Not a bad actor in the bunch! So clev-- witty! ["clever" was crossed-out, because obviously "witty" is a much more intelligent sounding adjective] A very excellent example of the bridge between very well-done movies and light hearted romantic comedys! Loved all the Good, Strong charectors!"

An American In Paris

[Three Stars!]

"Good Color! [I think I was talking about the quality of the film or something clever like that.] Disjointed plot! Rather long dances! Good-- Fair acting! ["Good" was crossed-out.] Loved Leslie!"

Strangers On A Train

[Five Stars!]

"Great! Great video (angles, ect.), Loved the good solid acting, good charecters, Excellent story, overall a marvoleous Picture, Pat was great!"

Libled Lady

[Four Stars!]

"Good fun movie. Good strong charecters! Loved William, Myrna, and Jean! Spencer was NOT my favorite! But he usally isn't."

The Women

[Five Stars!]

"Good, witty lines! Restoration good! <--(color/B/W) Charectors very good & beautiful! Norma Shearer was especially good! I really hated Joan (she wanted me to.)" Laura

[Five Stars!]

"Very well made! Music haunting! Filming tequniches equally amazing! Dana, Gene, and Clifton especially standout. Most of all Dana."

AND MY VERY FAVORITE REVIEW IN THIS WHOLE THING:


Dial M For Murder


[Five Stars!]

"Excellent! Great performances by all! Set, costumes, directing, everything Superb! I guess it is a Hitch though!"

What I learned most from reading my reviews:

Good, strong characters are where a film is made or broken!

And don't you forget that!

-Millie!

12 comments:

Kate said...

HAHA! These are hilarious!! I love all the good "Charectors" LOL. And you were a Dana Andrews fan when you were 11... I did not know this so I finally concede, he can be yours ;-D
.
.
.
.
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..I know you're going to say something like "he was never yours to begin with, so you can't give him to me" or something similar, but you are wrong. Very wrong.

Millie said...

Ahahaha! I know! I also love how I was able to misspell "characters" like three different ways! ;-D

HECK YEAH! It's about time you've stopped living in denial about ever having a chance with Dana. SERIOUSLY!

hana-bi. said...

Exclamation marks! Exclamation marks!

Sarah said...

"Strong good charectors"

.........HAHAHAHAHAH

Matthew Coniam said...

I liked the bit about the "Filming tequniches" in Laura.
I can't decide if the 'prententious' in your headline is therefore deliberate or not... I'm going to go with it is...
I used to do the same when I was that age; I remember writing my own version of Halliwell's Film Guide, with all the films I'd seen at that point, but then I found that I kept seeing new films that belonged in a part of the alphabet I'd already covered, so I had to start the book all over again... (If it wasn't for the constant supply of fresh exercise books in the stationery cupboard I would have seen no point in going in school at all.)
I solved the alphabet problem by switching from exercise books to little index cards that I kept in a blue plastic box that went everywhere with me.
You'll be relieved to hear that none of it has been kept.

Sophie said...

"Spencer was NOT my favorite! But he usally isn't."

"Rather long dances!"

Those two lines got me. Hilarium to say the least! (;

I still wrote pretentious film reviews when I was 13. Heck, maybe I still do! *is worried*

P.S. I just started following your blog the other day after starting my own. I'd love it if you could check it out - from all the older posts I've been reading on your blog, you seem like a seasoned blogger! (:

Merriam said...

LMAO Millie these were hilarious! I love your ~interesting~ use of capitalization.

Meredith said...

"Spencer was NOT my favorite! But he usally isn't."

comedy gold.

Sally said...

These are hilarious! What a find!

greatoldthings said...

Marvolous. hahahaha These are classic! Thanks for sharing them. When I was eleven I was in love with Cary Grant... I still am. *sigh*

Millie said...

Hana-bi: You better believe it! ;-D

Sarah: IT'S STINKIN' TRUTH!

Matthew: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OH MY GOSH! That's seriously a typo. An unintentional one at that! Oh my gosh. Too hilarious!

Wowzie Kazam! That's pretty cool! That's like me and history, I still have several books lying around that I wrote when I was seven. They are my "ancient" series. Ancient Greece, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Crete...etc.

But, seriously, I wish they still existed! I have a feeling the movie thoughts of 11 year-old Matthew were probably pretty awesome!

Sophie: Hahaha, I wrote pretentious movie reviews for A LONG TIME (probably still do from time-to-time! ;-D), but your posts are NOT pretentious! I really love your blog! :-D

Merriam: It's a problem that still plagues me. When I write by hand, I often insert random caps words (important words). Which, was probably the precursor to my all-caps blog posts! ;-D

Meredith: I've never liked Spencer Tracy much. ;-D

Sally: I was pretty excited about finding them! My mom and I were on the floor reading a few of them!

greatoldthings: Well, Cary Grant IS pretty cool! Haha!

VP81955 said...

Don't worry, Millie -- spelling wasn't Carole Lombard's strong point, either. :)

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