Friday, December 16, 2011

Marooned (1969): You know you're just a LITTLE too invested in a movie when you find yourself screaming "DIE GENE HACKMAN, DIE!"

So, yeah. {Spoilers ahead, of course.}

WHOA. I JUST LOOKED AT THE POSTER AND IT SAYS JOHN STURGES DIRECTED. I didn't even realize that. (Although, I did notice that Capra Jr. produced, which is strangely odd.)

Anyway, I just finished watching this film with Emmy and it made me experience a range of emotions.

Mostly hatred and anger towards Gene Hackman.

(That's right, Gene Hackman. Don't take your "rest pill." Breathe up as much oxygen as you like. It's not like there's a shortage. It's not like Richard Crenna is gonna sacrifice his life for you. It's not like James Franciscus is gonna end up permanently brain-dead because of you. It's not like David Janssen is risking his life to save you. IT'S NOT LIKE THE BRAVE {but unfortunately short-armed} RUSSIAN COSMONAUT IS GOING TO CHANGE HIS ENTIRE ORBIT IN AN ATTEMPT TO RESCUE YOU. Oh, um, sorry. That paragraph got a bit away from me.)

But, also, of course I was awed at the presence of Gregory Peck wearing these sunglasses:

And, of course, the movie had stinkin' Mr. David Janssen in it (because, as you know, I will literally watch anything for my beloved David). I didn't even know WHAT to do with my emotions when he pulled out his classic Dr. Richard Kimble is pretending to be shy and so he's sticking his hands in his front pockets move. (All that was missing was the twitchy, little smirk.)

Anyway, it was actually a surprisingly interesting, engrossing film (surprisingly, because it has had the MST3K treatment -- which I definitely need to watch). Apparently, people complain about its slowness. I thought it was quite effective. It slowly built up and built up, UNTIL I WAS IN FULL-BLOWN HYSTERIA.

I was screaming at my computer screen (I'm sorry, Oscar!). I was heaping death threats in Gene Hackman's direction. I was practically hysterical worrying about David's fate. I ALMOST SHED TEARS OVER THIS MOMENT:

IT HURTS! IT HURTS! Richard Crenna! WHY?! WHY?! Why did you sacrifice your life to save Hackman?! I understand the whole saving James Franciscus thing because, along with being basically Hackman's babysitter (he constantly has to repeat, "No, you are not dying," in a monotone voice like he's talking to a two year-old), he is rather pretty (also, I must mention that mere seconds after Richard's death, I was already planning for a marriage between Lee and David -- but still.):

{Emmy requested lots of James screen-caps, so this is solely for her. ;-D}

Anyway. This movie was very strange and harrible and awesome. And, um, I literally never knew what was going on. I mean, one moment, Gregory and David are exchanging thumbs up and managing to look so cool and serious...

...and the next moment a crazed, oxygen-deprived (JUST GUESS WHO HE GAVE HIS OXYGEN TO) James Franciscus is attempting to throw Gene Hackman into the arms of a randomly-appearing Russian cosmonaut. Unfortunately, the kindly Russian just barely misses him and Gene goes peacefully floating by.

I can't even respond to that.

And then, David showed up. And he saved Gene. And he saved James (with the help of the kindly, Russian cosmonaut). And he radioed back to Houston. And everyone threw their papers in the air. And went to a nearby bar to celebrate. And it was over. (Seriously, I hope there was nothing IMPORTANT on those papers. Like, you know [as Emmy pointed out to me], the instructions on how to LAND THE ROCKET THAT HAD NEVER BEEN EVEN TEST-FLOWN BEFORE)

Whoohoo! Let's party like it's 1969!

Not gonna lie, I still have no idea what happened. And, I'm pretty sure that Richard Crenna didn't need to die. And I'm pretty sure that Gene Hackman was a Soviet agent -- and needed to die. And I'm pretty sure that James Franciscus was kinda pretty. And I'm pretty sure Gregory Peck should have worn those sunglasses throughout the entire movie. And I'm pretty sure that David Janssen was perfect, even when he kept using weird similes and analogies and he kept not smiling his twitchy, little smirk. And I'm pretty sure I should never be allowed to watch or review movies ever again, BECAUSE MAROONED BROKE ME.

Good night.


Thanks for watching it with me, Emmy! These are for you! ;-D

David and the deli delivery-boy.



Anonymous said...

I have nothing to say. (I'm laughing too hard.)

But, I'm in awe of the oddness of the poster. It's almost as strange as the film.

I think our months of planning, plotting, and scheming paid off. I mean, you produced THIS brilliance. Clearly it was all worth it.


Okay, I'll stop now.

Bill Peschel said...

I saw this movie in the theaters (I was young and a big space buff).

Then, years later, when MST3K did "Stranded in Space," I had this odd sense of deja vu. Sure it was terrible (whenever they saw Gene, they'd say in knowing movie-fan voices, "OhthatGeneHackman he's good in everything!"

And I kept wondering why I'm seeing all these familiar faces in it. Gregory Peck simply does NOT show up in an MST3K-approved movie.

Then it hit me: "Stranded in Space" and "Marooned" were the same movie!

Gob-smacked, I was. And deeply, deeply, ashamed of my 10-year-old self who paid good theater money to see this.

(And no love for Mariette Hartley as one of the astronaut's wives? I tell you, this movie is full of name actors!)

DKoren said...

Awesome review. Just plain awesome. I haven't seen this one, but now I totally want to see it. I love movies that make you start yelling at your television. Only certain ones do that.

Sounds like you two had great fun watching this! I'm totally still grinning just from reading about it!

StanwyckFan said...

This was amazing. OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOUR BLOG SO MUCH. Please, don't ever leave us, we might all die.

emma wallace said...

HI-larious! Why have I been doing things like work when I could have been reading your blog all along?!

Millie said...

Emmy: The poster really is strange.


Bill: Don't be ashamed of your ten-year-old self! The movie was really not that bad! The entire MST3K episode (plus host segments) is only 90 minutes, while the original film is 130 minutes. So, the MST3K version is really quite confusing.

Mariette Hartley is really quite awesome, but I have NO idea how Gene Hackman was married to her. She's fake married to James Garner, I tell you! ;-D

Deb: You really should see this. I feel that you too could appreciate it. haha

StanwyckFan: AWWWWW! Thanks so much! :-)

Emma: You are far too lovely! Thank you! :')


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