When I write about the "sad, deprived souls," I am NOT talking about my awesome blog followers. No, I am referring to the people who continually give Batman: The Movie (1966) bad reviews and talk about its idiocy and lack of plot.....on and on and on....
Clearly, these people (and there are so many of them) have trouble identifying satire. Because Batman is brilliant, Wowzie Kazam, stupendously amazingly cool satire.
There is no possible way a film that includes exploding sharks, emergency Bat-copter landings at foam mattress conventions, the entire Security Council at the pseudo-U.N. getting disintegrated, and heroic "almost-human" porpoises -- COULD NOT BE COMPLETELY GENIUS.
Which also brings me to another point: Stop telling me that "a little camp goes a long way!" (This phrase is in many even-basically-sympathetic reviews.) I have NO idea what you're talking about. ;-D
Or maybe I just understand this movie because it is dedicated to me?
"Lovers of the ridiculous and the bizarre"? That's definitely not me.
And speaking of this opening title, HOW DO PEOPLE STILL NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE WATCHING AFTER READING THAT?!
There is an IMDb review where someone questions whether, maybe, the film was actually just supposed to be funny.
No, it was definitely Christopher Nolan's inspiration for The Dark Knight, genius.
Is anyone else amused by the fact that I am writing an idiotic, non-nonsensical post at 1 AM just to ridicule people who think that Batman: The Movie is idiotic and makes no sense? OH, WE'RE THE COOL PEOPLE HERE AT CLASSICFOREVER. ;-D
Anyway, those sad, deprived souls who simply cannot comprehend the awe-inspiring power of Batman -- it is for them that I shall write and publish my magnum opus on Mind-Smushing Entertainment.* I've already got two people who are planning on reading it: me and also Marya PROMISED she would read it. haha
So yeah. It's gonna be great, guys.
I think I'm just gonna go now. ;-D
-Millie
*The Definitive Guide to Mind-Smushing Entertainment still has not found its publisher yet. It also needs to be written. But it WILL happen! It will. ;-D
I almost ALWAYS only write actual semi-reviews for films I utterly loved, films I utterly hated, or films that are completely and brilliantly idiotic. I never blog about harmless, forgettable movies (for those I write a couple sentences on my 2011 in Film page). But, I have to with Jessica....because I don't even know whether I'm supposed to love it or hate it or ridicule it. THE MILLIE IS HOPELESSLY CONFUSED. ;-D
This movie has an awesome setting in Sicily -- utterly gorgeous. The cast is super-cool. The '60s fashion is to-die-for. And the music is quite lovely.
But the story is complete junk. Normally, I adore horribly written movies -- but I don't even know what to say about this one. It tries to be dramatic and "realistic," before being lured away into becoming a charming and wonderfully unrealistic comedy, before suddenly remembering that this is Jean Negulesco picture -- AND IT'S GONNA BE DRAMATIC. It's like the writer realized that the characters were just a little too happy and settled -- QUICK! KILL OFF THE HARMLESS, OLD CARE-TAKER WHO IS CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING A LITTLE JOY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS OLD AGE AND DESTROY THE GARDEN HE'S BEEN WORKING ON FOR 60 YEARS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! And while, we're on that point. The little wind storm utterly demolishes the garden he's been working on for 60 years. Had there literally been NO wind in Sicily since at least 1902?! (Normally, I forgive such anomalies. But, I'm not in a forgiving mood. ;-D)
I'm not even going to talk about the remarkable amount of sexism in this film, because I want to move right along to Maurice Chevalier as a priest.
Okay, anyway, I'm back. Yeah. Maurice Chevalier is the, um, devout and pious Father of the village (yeah, I'm stilling dying of laughter). He also sings and dances. And as the title character of Jessica is a midwife, I was seriously expecting him to wander by singing, "Thank heaven for leeetle girhls..."
Also: Why was everyone mad at Jessica? SHE DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. arrrgghhh.
Good things about this movie:
** It once again makes me want to Vespa my way around '60s Europe.
** The fashion was awesome.
**The cast was utterly brilliant.
** MARCEL DALIO SIGHTING (even though his character was extremely creepy [and Marcel made it the least possible of creepy that he could])!
** Gabriele Ferzetti.
Who is this actor? AND WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF HIM BEFORE?! He was so utterly perfect that I added basically all of his 50s/60s stuff to my Netflix. He's in a bunch of famous films that I've heard of before -- BUT SOMEHOW I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF HIM?! Craziness.
And while we're on the subject of Gabriele Ferzetti (his name is totally fun to type): You know how in all those late '50s/early '60s movies where there was a "handsome," older bachelor it was ALWAYS played by Rossano Brazzi -- but he is just so seriously creepy that I can't even handle watching anything with him? Well, Gabriele Ferzetti (go type/say his name. You know it's fun. ;-D) was playing that part in this movie AND HE WAS SO PERFECT. Is there any possible way we can go and digitally remove Rossano Brazzi from everything and add Gabriele Ferzetti instead? Get back to me on that, because I am seriously curious. ;-D
Well, in conclusion, I don't even know what to say about this movie. It was like the kind of movie I should have loved ('60s, Sicily, cool clothes, Vespa, MARCEL DALIO), but absolutely do not love.
That script was crazy and not in a good way (and you have to be aware that to be not crazy in a good way in the eyes of The Millie is extremely hard to be).
However, this movie introduced me to Gabriele Ferzetti -- so all is forgiven.
Well, almost all. I still cannot get the image of Maurice Chevalier as a singing, dancing priest out of my head. I fear that I never shall.
You know what they say: "Better almost never, than actually never."
And with that GLORIOUS opening sentence, I am going to move right into the month in review.
May was a pretty cool month. I had a rather late start (I had only watched three films before the 19th), but eventually ended with a not really respectable 15 (June WILL be better. ;-D). And I can't really blame Doctor Who this time, because I have watched very little (I'M AVOIDING THE END OF TEN BECAUSE I WILL THEN HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR).
May: 7 new films/16 total
My Favorite New Film:
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. This movie is perfection and genius and, oddly enough, also Millieness personified. Can I just take this moment to recommend it to everyone -- everywhere.
My Least Favorite New Film:
This was a pretty awesome month with no 1 or 2 starred reviews, so I'm gonna have to go with the three starred Endless Night. Hayley was utterly perfect and Agatha Christie GETS ME EVERY BLOODY TIME, but I cannot handle watching Hywel Bennett. As I mentioned on the 2011 in Film page (where you will always find a short one or two sentence review for every new-to-me film), his late '90s power-mom hairstyle was really creeping me out. ;-D
Unfortunately, this photo doesn't give it NEARLY full justice:
Best Movie Title:
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. There was no contest.
Best Cast:
Love is a Ball: Charles Boyer, Glenn Ford, Hope Lange, Ricard Montalban...(any film with Charles Boyer will always win Best Cast).
Worst Cast:
Hmmm, there wasn't really a bad cast. But, I will take this moment to once again condemn Hywel Bennett and his haircut. ;-D
Best Title Song:
Goodbye Charlie. It's such a lovely, cheerful song about the main character's violent death.
Runner up: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (which I may or may not have gone to the midnight premiere of, because I'm a dork). THE PIRATE'S MUSIC ALWAYS WINS.
Most Horribly, Depressing Ending:
Edward Scissorhands. WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! I mean, I understand why. BUT WHHHHYYYY?! Was this just so I would cry thousands of tears? ;-D
Most Viewed Actors: Bob Hope: 3 Vincent Price: 2 Michael Callan 2 Johnny Depp: 2
Films by Decades: 1900s: 1 / 0 new 1930s: 2 / 0 new 1940s: 2 / 0 new 1950s: 2 / 2 new 1960s: 6 / 2 new 1970s: 1 / 1 new 1990s: 1 / 1 new 2010s: 1 / 1 new
Well, I'll see you in July! Hopefully, with more films than this pitiful amount! ;-D
Ring of Fire is a '60s film. It stars David Janssen. It has an epic theme song. It has sullen, punk gangster teenagers (led by Frank Gorshin...which is just weird). IT TAKES PLACE AND WAS FILMED IN WASHINGTON. GLORIOUS WASHINGTON.
If there was the presence of tofu and/or a cameo of Annette fake surfing -- I would know for certain this film was created specifically for me.
It was utterly perfect. (In fact it received 6/5 stars. ;-D)
A huge, huge thank you goes to Auntie Casey for taping and sending this film to me. THANKS AUNTIE CASEY!
{So, first of all, you need to go watch this movie. It is not available on DVD or VHS, but it IS going to be playing on TCM June 18th!}
I'm a big fan of Pacific Northwest cinema -- specifically centered in Glorious Washington (Oregon is not NEARLY as cool ;-D). This movie just made me happy.
It starts out and we find that a gas station in Tacoma has been robbed (Tacoma. MY TACOMA. The City of Destiny). The sullen, punk gangster teenagers who robbed the Tacoma gas station are now in Shelton -- where this film takes place (Shelton is about an hour or so south of my house...not far at all).
Every review, EVERY REVIEW -- whether by bloggers, on IMDb, or what -- has falsely stated that Ring of Fire takes place in Oregon (Oregonians are always trying to latch onto Washington's coolness. ;-D). A portion of the movie WAS filmed in Oregon: the town and burning sawmill (they needed a sawmill to burn and couldn't burn down the still-functioning Shelton mill). However, the film takes place IN Washington and the rest of the movie was filmed in Washington... and the cinematography is GORGEOUS.
There are lengthy sections that take place in the forest and its all so utterly wunderbar. Although, there are also lengthy sections that depict a forest fire...not wunderbar (I actually get really stressed out because I'm a tree dork...haha).
ANYWAY, I thoroughly enjoyed Ring of Fire. David Janssen was so utterly brilliant. He really had the least interesting character type: the noble sheriff. But, he made the character so interesting. The viewer sees a whole character, with an actual personality. And I was definitely wondering about his past (so many random mentions THAT WERE UNRESOLVED FOR ME. This is unacceptable -- even for Mind-Smushing Entertainment. ;-D).
^Beware! He's giving the classic Janssen stare...who knows what will happen next!
And although I've seen Joyce Taylor in random television shows, I had never seen her in such a large part before. SHE WAS AWESOME. She automatically made me think of a '60s Paulette Goddard (her voice especially was crazily similar).
And everyone else was cool and good and all that (everytime I see Frank Gorshin in ANYTHING, I automatically go, "Money! Money! Money!"). I just really liked the movie. The first hour was definitely the strongest. The last thirty minutes were taken up by the forest fire and became less about the story and characterizations. But, the forest fire stuff was definitely impressive.
Anyway. I'd totally recommend this movie. Because one, you have David Janssen playing a sheriff going after some fugitives (oh yes!). Two, you have great supporting acting. Three, you have the impressive effects. Four, YOU HAVE THAT COOL THEME SONG. Five, you have dialogue that is just deliciously '60s. And six, you have stunning cinematography of my homeland: Glorious Washington. Washington is always a good reason to watch a movie (except for a certain film series about a sparkly vampire and his underage girlfriend. THAT is where I draw the line. ;-D).
Sorry that this post makes no sense. My Washington adoration/David Janssen fan-girlism is hard to explain sometimes. haha
Oh, and if you'd like to be even MORE confused: watch a scene in French!
May 27, 1911. That was a cool day. Vincent Price was born. And mind-smushing entertainment was NEVER the same.
Actually, basically all entertainment was never the same -- because Mr. Price acted in every genre imaginable and was BRILLIANT in every genre imaginable. Unlike some actors who wait around until a film "worthy" enough for them comes along, Vincent Price took crazy films and MADE them worthy. I would watch him in anything and everything -- exactly because of this skill.
His voice is one of my favorite things ever and instantly recognizable. He tried to disguise it on What's My Line? by singing badly in French, but it didn't quite work. ;-D
He was a contradiction: a oft-performer in low-budget AIP films, but also a gourmet who spoke many languages and owned a world-renowned art collection. He could be understated in many brilliant dramas and film noirs, but he was equally brilliant playing a psycho in Brady Bunch. VERY FEW CAN OWN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT.
There is a perpetual argument on WHO is the greatest Shakespearean actor of all time, but there is NO argument on who is the greatest Poe actor of all time. Vincent Price will always own that. (And, if I was wanting to lose half my followers I might say that Edgar Allan Poe is five times more awesome than [the admittedly very awesome] William Shakespeare. Because he is.)
This post is quite disjointed and rambling because I am finding it difficult to put into words who exactly Vincent Price was -- and why he was SO BLOODY COOL!
I think that Vincent was extremely talented and awesome and cool. And also, I feel like if I was a cool, awesome, genius, 6' 4" man born in 1911 -- I would be Vincent Price. I mean, he was known by all his friends to get into full-blown, over-the-top dramatic debates when he talked about his favorite things... like cooking. And he used to pop up at random screenings of his films wearing costumes, in order to mess with the audience. I want to be him.
"I sometimes feel that I'm impersonating the dark unconscious of the whole human race. I know this sounds sick, but I love it."
For Vincent's birthday, I wanted to list my favorite performance from each decade: 1930s - 1990s. So yeah. Here we go...
1930s: The Invisible Man Returns. Vincent may have played in dramas and film noirs for much of his early career, but everyone knew right away that he played deranged madmen the best of all. ;-D
1940s: Dragonwyck. My favorite Vincent Price performance of all time. He is utterly brilliant. He employs all his different acting traits: he first charms everyone into thinking he's clearly the coolest person ever, then he gets all sinister, and then he makes everyone realize he's a psycho. I JUST LOVE IT!
Honorable mention: Laura. Shelby Carpenter, you weakling. You're awesome though.
1950s: House of Wax. This one is another role so indicative of Vincent's unique persona. Mr. Price once said, "I don't play monsters. I play men besieged by fate and out for revenge." This is why even when he is at his most frighteningly sinister -- we don't want him CAUGHT! He can't control his genius for evil. He was born that way, he was forced to become that way, its more fun that way (we can't deny him the funnest way! ;-D)....
Honorable mention: House on Haunted Hill. My 14 year-old brother jumped up in the middle of watching this movie in order to go lock all the doors. (This is the same brother who fell asleep watching Batman Begins). Vincent's ability to create extreme fear will never end.
1960s: Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine. Always. Always. Always. Always.
Honorable mention: More Dead Than Alive
Less, but still honorable mention: his cameo in Beach Party ("Bring me my pendulum, kiddies! I feel like swinging!")
1970s: The Brady Bunch: the random Hawaii vacation episodes. Only Vincent...
Honorable mention: Columbo: "Lovely But Lethal"
Less, but still honorable mention: THE DATING GAME! I mean, he's wearing a toga and totally mocking everyone.
1980s: Vincent. A lovely Tim Burton-created, Vincent Price-narrated short film about a boy who wants TO BE Vincent Price (this may or may not be the story of my life as an animated boy). Vincent Price always talked about how he enjoyed this and it really is just beautiful! :')
1990s: Edward Scissorhands. I actually watched this solely for Mr. Price. And he was so perfect.
And this is where I turn into a bawling fan-girl because there are no more decades to list. So I suppose I could just throw out a photo of Vincent Price raising his eyebrow sinisterly and continue on....
So, according to IMDb: "In the 1960s, Price and Peter Lorre starred as crimefighting antique dealers in the unsold pilot, 'Collector's Item'."
^I would -- NO JOKE -- give three semi-vital organs in order to see this. I can't even comprehend this. Vincent Price. Peter Lorre. CRIMEFIGHTING ANTIQUE DEALERS. Who decided that another ten years of Green Acres would be preferable to this?! WHO?! I would like to sic the ghost of Vincent Price upon them. ;-D
I really, really, really enjoyed the following tribute:
I'm going to try and wrap this up a bit, but there is so much more to say about the brilliance of Vincent Price. He was a genius, he had a Yale degree in art, he was a world traveler, he was a successful author of novels and...um... gourmet cookbooks, he had career that lasted for nearly 60 years, and he was greatest actor of low-budget, horribly made films in the '60s and the '70s. He was perfect.
"The horror thriller offers the serious actor unique opportunities to test his ability to make the unbelievable believable."
Hmmm. We've skipped over February. I forgot (until like March 27th). Terribly sorry. ;-D
Anyway. MARCH 2011. This was an interesting month. I had finals AND spring break AND the start of a spring quarter at college.
And I watched a remarkable amount of oddly cool films. PERFECTION.
March: 31 films overall/18 new
My Favorite New Film:
TIE! You Must Be Joking! and The Blob. Both utter brilliance. I also adored Bright Star.
I want to absolutely thank Kate for getting me a copy of YMBJ! It is a very difficult film to find and I never thought I would ever get to see it! Kate is so awesome! :')
You can also check out a tribute I made to Michael Callan's performance:
My Least Favorite New Film:
Palm Springs Weekend. For five reasons: 1) Troy Donahue. 2) Troy Donahue. 3) Troy Donahue. 4) Troy Donahue. 5) The rest of the cast (excluding Robert Conrad and Stephanie Powers). This was the last film I watched this month, AND IT WAS PATHETIC. I was particularly amused by the scene of Troy Donahue/Ty Hardin (I don't remember which annoying, bland, boring actor it was at that moment) threatening and beating up Robert Conrad's evil, spoiled rich kid. AS IF. In real life, Robert Conrad could have easily beat both of them up [probably at the same time ;-D].
I did however enjoy the super-creepy trailer. I even had to make a gif. Haha!
Runner-up: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. This one is in the category of: The Things I Watch For Sidney Poitier
Best Movie Title:
If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium. No words necessary.
EXCEPT, LET ME TAKE THIS MOMENT TO SAY THAT THE LAST 30 SECONDS OF THIS FILM ARE UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
That is all.
Best Cast:
Woman of Straw. Lollobrigida, Connery, and Sir Ralph?! What?! YES.
Runners up: The Stranger with Orson Welles, Edward G. Robinson, and Loretta Young. Sergeants 3 for general Rat Pack awesomeness. Marriage On the Rocks for Frank, Nancy, Deborah, and Dean.
Worst Cast:
See: My Least Favorite New Film
Best Title Song:
The Blob's title song is beyond brilliance; beyond mere humanness.
MOST HORRIBLE DEATH THAT OCCURRED IN THE LAST FEW MINUTES OF A FILM:
I'm gonna go with Hell to Eternity and David Janssen. I watched the movie just for him and they killed him off just minutes from victory. -_-
Also, for those of you keeping track: this marks the second film I've watched this year solely for David Janssen-- which also happens to star Jeffrey Hunter as his war buddy. (January saw Man Trap where they played Korean War friends. HtE sees them as WWII buddies.) This also marks two quite unnecessary Jeffrey Hunter performances. THE THINGS I DO FOR MY BELOVED DR. RICHARD KIMBLE!
Runners up: Hombre.
***SPOILER ALERT!***
Of course I found Paul Newman's death quite saddening, BUT, I was even MORE depressed by the death of Frank Silvera's awesome Mexican bandit! UNFAIR! ***END SPOILER ALERT!***
And even though I knew it was coming: Bright Star. Tears.
Most Viewed Actors:
Frank Sinatra: 4
Dean Martin: 3
Orson Welles: 2 (also both directed by him)
James Garner: 2
Suzanne Pleshette: 2
Troy Donahue: 2 (I am going to start reading the cast lists of films in my Netflix queue. Two films starring Blandness-Personified is a grievous error! ;-D)
Bobby Darin: 2
Sandra Dee: 2
Frankie Avalon: 2
Stephanie Powers: 2
Films By Decades:
1930's: 1 - 1 new
1940's: 3 - 2 new
1950's: 4 - 2 new
1960's: 18 - 11 new
2000's: 5 - 2 new
Japan Cinema and Cinema Fanatic are hosting an awesome blogathon this week to raise money for the relief effort in Japan. Hopefully a lot of people will get involved by either donating money or writing a post, because this is a really cool idea. AND I KNOW the film blogging community is full of awesome people (I mean, I did write a post about the subject a couple days ago), so this blogathon is really gonna be exciting.
Anyway.
I chose to write about Tokyo Drifter (1966). Because it is a brilliantly cool, '60s-epitomizing, awesomeness-personified movie.
I remember the entire reason I watched it the first time was because I saw this movie poster:
This is one of the most jaw-droppingly stylistic films one will ever see. There is so much color, my poor eyes can hardly handle it. Seijun Suzuki - who was basically just a clinically insane genius (the best kind of genius, of course) - had been making increasingly odd films at this time (one producer famously stated that a Suzuki film "made no sense and no money"). He had been given a couple warnings by his producers, but still he continued to gleefully create nonsensically brilliant films. In punishment, the budget for his next film was slashed down - in hopes that he would make "normal" movies or something. (I mean, really?! Suzuki -- normal? I'm not getting the connection.) Instead, Suzuki took his smaller budget and created Tokyo Drifter.
Contrary to most Mind-Smushing Entertainment, Tokyo Drifter actually does have a fully-working plot. Confusing as heck, but definitely there. At its very core it's a film about loyalty. But, of course, The Millie cares very little about the cores or messages of films, so we shall move on to the overwhelming coolness. ;-D
This movie is pure '60s all the way through: the clothes, the sets, the minor characters, the music-- everything. The music is especially brilliant. Our protagonist Tetsuya (a former hit-man TRYING to go straight) is also known as Tetsu the Phoenix -- because he can't die. Everywhere he goes he sings or whistles the theme of the Drifting Man from Tokyo. Whenever an enemy thinks they've finally finished him off (and there is this one guy who is OBSESSED with destroying Tetsu) they'll suddenly hear the song (and usually they then freak out as only Japanese hit-men living in a Suzuki film can).
Here is a bit of the song from the opening credits.
I'm sorry if it's stuck in your head forever now. heh heh heh....
I suppose if I was going to get poetic about Tokyo Drifter, I would say that it is film at its most literal. The plot-line and story definitely add to the overall movie, but the film itself is just so breathtakingly fascinating. The colors are very...colorful. But, not in a hugely jarring way. The colors fit each moment and shot perfectly. And the camera angles are absolutely gorgeous. I normally have no problems watching sub-titled foreign films; reading the words is usually simple and unobtrusive to my viewing. Not so with this movie. Every time I watch it, I forget to keep reading the subtitles...because I'm so fascinated by the movement on screen. That's a pretty awesome film.
And that's why I love Tokyo Drifter so much. It's bright, and colorful, and very odd, and occasionally quite confusing. But, it's brilliant. There is nothing else like it. I can't explain it (as you can see from this frighteningly disjointed post), but I think it mostly has to do with the utter and complete coolness. Watching this movie always makes me want to go be a Japanese hit-man on the run, who constantly wears the same light blue suit and sings his own theme song. That's some pretty powerful coolness going on there.
The concept of Ride the Wild Surf started off EXTREMELY well, one might even say it was made for me. ;-D
I can seriously imagine a executive over at Columbia pitching this idea:
"Hey let's make a Beach Party knock-off, but WE'LL have actual surfing, instead of those odd little 1ft. waves over at AIP [American International Pictures]. AND, we'll throw in Peter Brown as a surfer. OHH, and we can totally use the brilliant Barbara Eden as his girlfriend. And best of all, we'll have Jan and Dean's "Ride The Wild Surf" be the theme song. Can you imagine what a great mind-smushing semi-review we'll get from The Millie?! IT WILL MAKE OUR FILM. Oh, and by the way, we can fit Susan Hart in the movie somehow, we know how The Millie loves her because of her surfer awesomeness/native Washingtonianness."
This is clearly how it all went down. THEY HAD ME IN MIND.
And then something terrible happened.
I can't be ABSOLUTELY sure...but it's pretty obvious Randolph Scott had something to do with the terribleness.
List of terribleness:
Fabian. -_-
Always annoying, but here Fabian tried to give this weird Bobby Darin mixed with Frankie Avalon impression (with some odd bit of a pathetic James Dean impersonation) . HIGHLY DISTURBING.
Tab Hunter. GAHHHH! I hate Tab Hunter! Why did Randolph Scott insist on putting Tab Hunter in this movie?! And Tab Hunter kept doing his creepy Richard-Widmark-is-going-to-kill-you eyes! This was also highly disturbing.
Hmmmm. There was this really boring blonde (trying to be Sandra Dee) with a famous name that I totally know, but cannot for the life of me remember at this instant. She of course was paired with Fabian. And together they made up a very bland and annoying Bobby + Sandy wanna-be couple. THIS WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH.
^This is her at her most interesting.
And as if Randolph Scott had not inflicted ENOUGH pain on me, he decided to throw in the one person who could ruin anything awesome with the mere sight of his extremely creepy smile:
Roger Davis showed up. Let me repeat that. THE HANNIBAL HEYES IMPOSTOR SHOWED UP.
^Look at him smiling evilly. Tab Hunter is even giving him the Richard-Widmark-is-going-to-kill-you eyes!
And after Randolph Scott had done all this to the formerly perfectly wonderful film, he decided to ruin even what little joy I had.
First: He took poor Peter Brown and had his hair bleached an extremely creepy platinum blonde. AND NOT EVEN ALL OF HIS HAIR. Just random parts of his hair, so that some of his hair was creepy platinum blonde and some was normal dark brown.
Poor Peter.
^Note: I didn't intentionally take a screen shot of Fabian looking that way. It just randomly happened. heh heh heh...
And then Barbara Eden had dark brown/red hair....which was a little odd...but perfectly fine, because Barbara Eden would look cool even with bright green hair.
^I don't think it's possible for her to look uncool.
But, at this point, the sabotage against me....was quite obvious. Randolph Scott was out to get me.
He even forced Susan Hart into being a traitor. He had her poor character fall in love with TAB HUNTER. I am truly sorry Susan. All of Washington mourns with you.
But, SOMEHOW, a few awesome things still managed to slip into the film (despite all of Randolph Scott's attempts to stop them...):
As I mentioned above, the surfing footage in this film is PHENOMENAL. As much as I completely adore AIP films, the surfing is pretty pathetic. I mean, they have stunt actors surfing 1ft. waves (not that I'd even be able to do that ;-D) while Frankie + Annette pretend to surf against a screen. It's awesome. But, not PHENOMENAL. Like this movie.
They went and actually filmed in Hawaii at some of the craziest surfing spots, where the waves are literally 30 feet high. IT'S AMAZING. (The actors are still pretending to fake surf against a background...but the stunt actors have clearly improved. ;-D)
Barbara Eden's car:
That's right. You know want that vehicle. ;-D
Hmmm, well that's actually about it for serious coolness (besides the aforementioned title song).
OH. I remember what I wanted to say.
James Mitchum plays the main villain in this movie (villain because he's the main competition on the surf against Fabian. Personally I consider that more on the heroic side...)
EXACT COPY OF HIS FATHER.
It was weird actually.
It's just like the Beach Party movies with their ever-present Jody McCrea (an exact duplicate of HIS father)!
Well, anyways.
There were some other surfers too, and although I can't recall their actual names, there were a couple who stood out to me.
One, there was this random Australian surfer who somehow managed to mention that he was Australian IN EVERY SINGLE LINE OF DIALOGUE. It was quite impressive. Actually.
And there was another surfer, I believe his character was called Russ, who looked exactly like he should be the fire-chief at Station 51. It was actually impeding my ability to view his scenes as a surfer with a proper lack-of-seriousness.*
*A) These two sentences make absolutely no sense. B) If you know what I mean when I say Station 51...you are seriously cool individual.
ALSO: This has nothing to do with the surfers, but there was this completely creepy narrator. He would randomly start talking over certain scenes, and then he would disappear for a while...and you would forget he existed...AND THERE HE WOULD BE AGAIN. So creepy. And unnecessary. There was one scene when they were surfing and the narrator's voice suddenly appeared to say: "Makaha was just plain scary."
Seriously. That's all he said. And then he disappeared again. It was just weird. (<-- "It was just weird" should be the tag-line for this movie).
Anyways.
I swear, I NEED to seriously start watching the trailers for these movies, BEFORE I watch the movies. If I had watched the trailer for Ride The Wild Surf, I would have known ALL I needed to know.
Oh, I remembered the OTHER thing I wanted to say! The entire reason for me watching this film is actually because of an email sent to me by Emm (who is currently on a HOPEFULLY short hiatus from blogging...her awesomeness is severely missed)! She asked what my opinion on this film was. She further informed me that she was wanting to see it because of Peter Brown, but at the same time hesitant to see it because Peter Brown had bleached hair AND because everyone who's ever seen it thinks it's amazing because it's "more serious" than AIP stuff (this is the first warning sign. MIND-SMUSHING ENTERTAINMENT SHOULD NOT BE SERIOUS. EVER.)
ODDLY enough, those were also my EXACT reasons for wanting to see/not wanting to see Ride The Wild Surf. (Peter Brown + platinum bleached hair is a singularly disturbing prospect).
Of course I HAD to go watch it.
Which is why you are reading this semi-review right now.
^Random photo of Barbara Eden because she's awesome.
Anyways, I keep thinking there was one other thing I wanted to say...and I really just can't remember. Perhaps I'll remember some day and add it into this post, somewhere, randomly, to create even more confusion and disjointedness! ;-D
In conclusion, this movie started out very well, Randolph Scott became involved out of petty dislike for me, and everything went downhill. This film included a remarkable amount of actors I can't stand, a completely insufferable under-lying "seriousness", and sadly platinum blonde Peter Brown.
Oddly enough, I rather liked the movie as a whole. I would almost, maybe, um, cough, cough, recommend it.
I DON'T KNOW. Stop asking me difficult questions. My mind is still trying to comprehend WHY Peter Brown has platinum blonde hair.
-Millie
P.S. To the best of my knowledge Randolph Scott had NOTHING to do with the making of this film. Although, it would have been JUST like him to ruin it for me on purpose. ;-D
Heißer Sommer (Hot Summer) was made in 1968, just a couple years behind the Beach Party movies. But it follows the same basic formula, has a similar plot, and similar songs. The only differences are that Hot Summer is in German...and has all the evil capitalism and individualism taken out.
It was really weird. I never knew until last night that they made mind-smushing entertainment behind the iron curtain!? Clearly, this proves that mind-smushing entertainment is a universal genre that doesn't get enough credit. ;-D
The title song: I decided to stream this movie through Netflix (I currently have a 1 month free trial that I may have to continue...haha), because it was in my "suggested films". This is the beginning of the movie. I was completely mesmerized.
This is going to be stuck in my head forever. And I can't even pronounce any of the words!
Here is another song from the beginning of the film, when the girls and the guys are both trying to hitchhike to the Baltic Sea, the girls are having a bit more success than the guys though. (It ALWAYS works this way in mind-smushingdom. ;-D)
Watching this movie was equal parts fascinating and just WEIRD. Hot Summer valiantly tried to show the complete awesomeness and coolness of collectivism and communism. It really did try.
This is where the marked difference between Hot Summer and AIP films shows up. In the Beach Party movies, it is not only important, but NECESSARY to be independent and original and "your own person". But, in Hot Summer individualism is decidedly frowned upon. The character in Hot Summer who causes all the conflict is the girl who constantly states: "I do what I want and I want what I do". In the end her shockingly selfish behavior is shown as a divisive and destructive life-style.
Also: in Hot Summer, the characters stay in groups. There are the girls and the guys (who eventually combine into one awesome, beach-going, communist family ;-D), and they do not leave from their respective groups. They travel together, work together, eat together, sleep together. They do it all for a common goal, not allowing themselves to be side-tracked by an uncooperative "individual's" personal problems. Near the end a member of the guy's group decides to leave and set-out on his own, he is then told that he is taking the "coward's way out". (He ends up coming back to the group approximately thirty minutes after he leaves it, soo...;-D)
I think Hot Summer is a fascinating perspective on East Germany in 60's, and the whole concept of socialism and the collectivist life.
But, besides all these profound, and fascinatingly historical pieces of Hot Summer, it is also completely entertaining. The songs are brilliant. And the choreography is kinda way more awesome than most AIP stuff. Of course, when they danced...THEY ALL DANCED TOGETHER. It was sort of like West Side Story.
Except, of course this is more like East Side Story....heh heh heh (I'VE BEEN WAITING TO USE THAT JOKE THIS ENTIRE POST, OKAY! ;-D)
The clothes and hairstyles were decidedly cool and 60's and scenery was beautiful (it was particularly interesting seeing a bit of Berlin at the beginning, a Berlin that was not yet crumbling around itself).
I would recommend Hot Summer to anyone. Whether you are interested in the history, or the 60ishness, or just the brilliant mind-smushingness.
(Please do take note that this coming from someone who thoroughly enjoys Dr. Goldfoot and His Bikini Machine.)
I adore my mind-smushing entertainment of the 60's. I really do. I welcome almost any cheaply-made, poorly written, horribly acted film with open arms.
But, this was seriously just pathetic.
First problem: James Darren.
I am NOT a fan of James Darren. I tolerate him in Gidget and Gidget Goes Hawaiian because of the OTHER people starring in those films. In this movie he was just bloody annoying. Usually, James Darren takes the films he stars in QUITE seriously. He's always trying to insert some "dramaticness" into otherwise perfectly mindless perfection. In this movie, he was almost the complete opposite. He was stinkin' trying to be Frankie Avalon. He even had his haircut (The Frankie cut is copyrighted. People are not supposed to steal it. ;-D). But, James Darren is NOT Frankie. Frankie always comes across as realizing, that, yes he is in spaceship with a chimpanzee (see: Sergeant Deadhead) and yes, he realizes his character is a complete idiot. That's why he's so cool. James Darren is not cool.
That's another problem: This movie tried to almost completely copy the AIP formula.
Now, I love tons of Mind-Smushing Entertainments, not just AIP stuff (Columbia made a lot of awesomeness too). But, this was a pretty obvious rip-off of the Beach Party films. They took all the random pieces and just smashed them back together, but it was weird how they did it. It was like someone said, "Hey, the Beach Party movies have this many minutes of surfing, this many minutes at the 'hang-out' listening to the unfunny comedian try to be funny, this many minutes of conflict between main girl and guy...." Because, all the surfing was smooshed into one long montage. We had to listen to Woody Woodbury go one for like 20 minutes (who the heck is Woody Woodbury?!). And all the conflict is confined to a small space of time.
It was just weird.
Good parts of the movie: Well, the side-kicks (who weren't really side-kicks after the first two minutes, because someone forgot to write them back in) were stinkin' awesome! Nancy Sinatra (pre-Boots, with dark brown hair) and GILLIGAN (I'm sorry, but I never call Bob Denver anything but Gilligan).
Otherwise...
And, another thing. HOW MUCH DID PEPSI PAY TO HAVE THIS MOVIE MADE?! It was like one long commercial. Everywhere you looked the Pepsi logo appeared (it was like a creepy nightmare or something...;-D) and people were singing Pepsi's motto...
Anyways. I hereby declare that this movie is no longer a part of the Mind-Smushing Canon. Take note students of the genre.
Gold. I just don't understand this movie. TECHNICALLY speaking it had quite a lot of promise. However, SOMETHING was lost in translation (something, as in any resemblance to a half-way well-made film).
If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed all the tweets-- ALL AFTERNOON LONG-- about this movie! I was definitely having fun making fun of it.
ANYWAY, this film had a cast full of brilliant actors (click to enlarge):
Roger Moore, unfortunately playing a creeper and a wanna-be antihero. But, definitely a cool creeper and wanna-be antihero. He smoked cigarettes.
Ray Milland, of course being amazing...and rather frightening...and amazing. He smoked cigars.
And the completely awesome Bradford Dillman playing a completely evil villain. He freaked out if anyone smoked anything and he was also highly germaphobic.
Also, there was Susannah York, but she drove me berserkers...so she doesn't get any screencaps.
Oh, and John Gielgud, but I COMPLETELY forgot about his character so he doesn't get any screencaps either. (It's a tough world out there for those wishing to be screencapped by The Millie. ;-D You must be both exceedingly cool....AND not annoying.)
The DVD I had (from my library) was horrible quality. I first "quipped" (I tell jokes to myself. It's true.) that is must have been taped off of the TV or something because of how grainy it was (the reason for the poor quality screencaps). After a little watching, I came to the conclusion it really MUST HAVE BEEN TAPED OFF OF THE TV! The language was censored! At least, I'm pretty sure it was. There were all these little "gliches" in the audio. ;-D They occurred when people said: "Why you-- *glich*"; "Shut that--*glich* thing". I was perfectly fine with that (I dislike swearing in movies anyway), but it did make me laugh!
When I started this movie I was kind of expecting an "awesomely bad" movie (I'm now quoting myself too. THIS IS PATHETIC! ;-D). My expectations increased when the credits appeared:
Backed by a song about gold and how horrible and deadly it is, at this POINT I WAS GETTING EXCITED for the awesome badness.
But it all sort of fell through, and I was left with just a bad film.
A major weakness was Susannah York. Her character was SO UTTERLY ANNOYING. Sheesh! A huge chunk of the middle was devoted to her and Roger being in love or something like that! OH MY GOSH. The second I saw them flying off in an airplane with a Velveeta level cheesy song playing in the background-- I HAD IT. I skipped right through their scenes.
NOTE: I'm sure you are all very reassured by the fact that I don't actually watch entire films before I give them scathing reviews. ;-D
And of course there was the aforementioned fact of Roger playing a complete creeper! I don't know if you are familiar with The Mary Tyler Moore Show, but Roger's character was oddly reminiscent of the creeper in MTM named Barry Barlow:
Who walks up to women saying, "Hey, I'm, uh, Barry Barlow" *takes off sunglasses*. This was SO Roger's character-- except with a British accent.
But, seriously though, poor Roger! As he was making this "film" he was trying to quite smoking, so OF COURSE, his character smoking ending up being important to the plot! The only time he got out of it was during a scene with Bradford:
Roger lights up:
Bradford FREAKS out and tells him to not smoke in his house:
Roger gives him a "what the heck do mean I can't smoke, you creep" look, while secretly thinking: "Heh heh heh, nice ad-lib Bradford! I'll remember to tell the credit people to make the lettering in your name a little larger!"
Really, this brings us to the complete awesomeness of Bradford Dillman! I adore him, but no one ever seems to know who he is! (So, I've decided to write a post just about him and his complete awesomeness! Look for that soon.) In this he is the main bad guy: cruel, heartless, and possessing a completely cool evil smile. The scenes with him-- by himself or interacting with anybody-- are the best in the movie. Well, except for the scene where Ray Milland plays bocce ball. THAT IS THE COOLEST SCENE THE MOVIE! Sorry I have no screencaps, I was completely transfixed by his bocce ball skills! ;-D
Another small part of the movie, I really loved was the handshake between Simon Sabela and Ray Milland. This movie is set in South Africa, but I guess hand-shakes are similar throughout Africa because it's the EXACT same hand-shake of Sierra Leone (I went to Sierra Leone twice last year)!
It consists of a normal shake and then twisting your hands around and then back to normal again. It's very important in Sierra Leone culture.Yeah, that's pretty much the first thing one learns in Sierra Leone, because if you don't complete the hand-shake, they will just leave their hand up......AWKWARD.
A gif of the hand-shake in the film:
Of course this brings me to Simon Sabela's character. A wonderful, courageous person. THE ONLY COMPLETELY GOOD GUY IN THE MOVIE. SPOILER ALERT! Of course they kill him off. Sheesh. END SPOILER ALERT!
Well, there's not much left for me to say about this movie, except that it's pretty much awesomeless badness....with an Elmer Bernstein score.
And really, don't be fooled by these foreign DVD covers (at least the Americans were decent enough to give it a dorky DVD cover ;-D):
